Dealing With My Partner’s Sexual Anorexia

All through my life I have been in relationship after relationship where our sexual relationship started off passionate and great. Then gradually (as we got closer emotionally) my partner would be less interested until finally sex wasn’t happening anymore. Then shortly after the relationship would come to its end.

I think the first pattern I had was that I always got involved with women that were not on the same page spiritually, emotionally, or physcially. (The Big Book says the these areas need to be in place for a long lasting healthy relationship.) The second issue was that I would become sexual way too fast when the emotional and spiritual areas weren’t there yet. I always compromised my values for sex.

As I experienced for the first time, a truly healthy relationship, I met my best friend. I started to get vulnerable and so did she. Before we became sexual she knew my fifth step and I could share my darkest areas. That had never been before. We would also pray together and were aligned with the same values. She was in Al-anon for 8 years and loved recovery as I did. It wasn’t ‘wishful thinking’, it was real. Many times in my life I would meet someone that would be interested in my recovery and be very interested in the principles I live by but never own them for themselves. I would say to myself, ‘Someday they will be who I want in a relationship.’ I would wait and wait and that day never came.

So now I am in a relationship where the alignment is there and we are moving forward, however, our past sexual abuse and addictions started to play their role in our relationship. Just like past relationships she started to not want to be sexual. Fortunately, we decided early on that counseling would be the route for a successful relationship. We weren’t having problems but knew that we didn’t want to hit the same walls of our past. Thank God.

So as the sexual issues started to come up, we started dealing with them. I never knew there was a such thing as ‘sexual anorexia’. It’s a real disease. She was scared of feelings that would come up during sexual experiences so in her mind the problem was sex and so, not being sexual was the answer. Anything that could arouse me, was also stopped. Healing all of this has been a tough road. We need to stay open and together every step of the way. We have gotten through the brunt of this to date, and our sexual experience is much better but it’s taken a lot of tears, pain and heartache. I finally realized that it only makes sense that I would attract an anorexic as I am an addict. This is a beautiful experience that I would not change for the world. Our goal is to be close to each other. When we are emotionally, and spiritually connected it enables a natural, healthy sexual experience that I wouldn’t trade for the 1,000 of my best sexually addicted experiences.

The Journey of Recovery with My Partner.

A few years back I vehemently professed to a friend that I’d never want a partner in recovery because one person with my issues was enough and I didn’t ever want to live with that threat of relapse in the life of someone I loved anymore than I already did with my family. Despite my plans, God saw it fit to plunk me down with such a partner and the funny thing is… I don’t ever really feel afraid of her relapsing and our lives falling apart because I believe in her recovery and its foundation. And in all honesty, I can’t even imagine having a partner who wasn’t in recovery! I’ve been blessed to have found a partner today who encourages my growth and recovery in the most amazing ways. While I know that the things I do for my recovery are just that… things I do for MY recovery & thus I’d do them with or without my partner in my life; still there’s a huge part of me that feels like I never couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain and show up for my recovery in these ways on a daily basis, without the support of my partner… everyday.

‘Practicing These Principles In All My Affairs’… Or So I Thought!

After 8 years of Al-Anon recovery I really felt I had this one down. ‘Practicing these principles in all my affairs’, sure I did that. I used the tools of the program in all areas of my life – with my family & friends, on the job, at school – where ever I could apply the principles I did… or so I thought! Having done the work I have over the past year, it’s amazing to see just how many areas of my life were still untouched by recovery. I was ‘practicing these principles in all my affairs’, but compulsively eating and obsessively exercising to counteract it. I was ‘practicing these principles in all my affairs’, but acting out (and in!!) sexually in more ways than I can count. I was ‘practicing these principles in all my affairs’, but constantly either spending money I didn’t have or holding on to ever last penny – failing to pay my bills even when I had the funds to do so. ha ha ha It’s almost laughable to me now, but at the same time, I never want to put those 8 years and the hard work I did during that time down. It took those 8 years to get me ready for what was to come next. I’d been praying to my Higher Power for something more, I kept feeling like something was missing from my recovery. Ask and ye shall receive as the saying goes! Suddenly, doors and opportunities opened and people appeared to guide me on my path to recovery, my path to ‘practicing these principles in all my affairs’. This last year in my recovery has been the most challenging one for me, however, I think it’s also been the most rewarding – and I thank God everyday for the opportunity, for it truly, truly is a gift!

Identifying Food Addiction, My Journey to Freedom

It’s taken me a long time to come around and finally see my problem with food for what it really is… a ‘food addiction’. Looking at pictures of myself from high school in which I weighed 220lbs, I think – ‘how could I not identify a food problem?’. But it’s been years since I came even close to that weight, and so I identified my problem as something only of my past youth – and clearly the result of my chaotic pre-program days! I skipped over the acknowledgment that I’ve always struggled with my weight and that the times in which I wasn’t overweight or on my way to becoming overweight, I was compulsively exercising and/or restricting my food. I crossed out the option of it meaning ‘food addiction’ for me all because I could not identify with ‘compulsive overeating’. A compulsive overeater? Not me, no how, I know how to take two cookies and walk – heck I’ve spent countless hours perfecting that move! (Perhaps my first indication of an issue, I know!) But I’ve had the journey I have and I’m grateful for how clearly I can see it all today. My binging on food or overeating may not have been the same in quantity as others’ – but the mechanics of it is the same. I say I’m only going to have one or none at all, and I eat two, I feel guilty and eat one more to ease (if only for a moment!) the guilt. The next day I’m stressed over something else and I eat four, quickly ensued by more… guilt. So I swear off eating cookies at all and starve myself for a good three days before I’m a total wreck and banging down the kitchen door for said cookies. And so the pattern continues, and I restrict and compulsively exercise to lose weight, and then stop and gain it all back. If that isn’t an addictive cycle I’m not sure what is. I got hung up on terminology and compared instead of identifying; and here I am, almost a year after I first began looking at this stuff, FINALLY identifying in the ways I need to. And I feel grateful to have found an answer that removes the squirelies from my head & offers me a program for living that I can live with – regardless of how long it took me to get here. I am grateful for the journey, the road ahead, and the people God’s blessed me to share it with.

When my partner says I sound like I’m making love to my food; does that mean I am a compulsive overeater?

Doe’s good food = bad food? Some people addicted to food may say if it tastes too good it is probably bad for you. I think it sounds good theory but isn’t realistic. I can relate. A lot of food I’ve eaten that is “too good” is something I need to watch because I want to eat it addictively. But that doesn’t mean great tasting food isn’t good for me. Some of the healthiest meals i’ve eaten have been the most satisfying meals I ever had.

My Partner, My Best Friend, My Sponser.

In my history with relationships I have been involved with women who were my partner but never until my current relationship did I have partner that was my best friend and who challenged my recovery every day. Shes not my official sponsor, but there is not one thing I haven’t shared with her.

I met my fiance at a barbecue that was put together by friends in recovery. Both of use weren’t going to go to this party. I had a woman that i was briefly dating that was going to come over but I knew she wasn’t what I wanted in my life so I made a decision not to get together with her.

My fiance was on her way to the party and was getting off an exit to turn around to go home but a car cut her off so she couldn’t get off the exit, so she decided to go.

In my recovery I always wanted a relationship with a woman that was like my best friend. Someone I didn’t have to worry about sharing anything with. I wanted someone I didn’t have to be something I wasn’t. Never until I met my fiance did I have this in my life. I was 9 years sober and she was in Alanon for 7 years. We both were very much living in recovery………. more to come, stay tuned.

Sex Addiction Recovery and Slippery Addictive Sexual Behaviors

Slippery behaviors for me were identified slowly. I didn’t see how messed up I was until I became abstinent from sexual behaviors that were causing me problems. First, I started looking at masturbation as a core abstinence. I thought this was impossible at first, I relapse many times in the beginning until I accepted my powerlessness and put down my drug. Doing this required help from a higher power and support. I also utilized helping others, daily phone calls, sexual recovery meetings, and prayer and meditation among many others resources. In the beginning, I hated it. I believed I was going to explode. Gratefully, I had people that have been through it before me an shared their hope about getting through it. Thank God because I was nuts and couldn’t have done it alone. My mind was like a bouncing pinball around my head. But slowly it decreased and I became less and less interested in my addiction and more and more into helping others being freed from the bondage of my addiction.

It took time to realize more subtle behaviors that I identify as slippery behaviors. For example:  Just a look at a woman gives me a high. Being in a long term committed relationship leaves no room for courting a woman so I have no business doing that. I learned that when I see a woman in my perphial vision I have a choice to look or not. When I look im moving in a slippery direction and away from the healthy recovery zone I want to be  in.

Obsessive Compulsive Spending When I Feel Off

Compulsive spending when I am off is how I run from my emotions.

Not Drinking Alcohol One Day At A Time

One day at a time. How hokey I thought that was. Eventually One day at a time was the trick I thought it was. I am only here in this moment. There is no deal that makes me alive tomorrow. I can do anything for 24 hours. One day at a time I don’t drink. Tomorrow is only a reference to the future. We are always in today.

Im A Food Addict And I Feel like the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street

Building A Relationship With My Best Friend “The Source”

There are so many ways I have worked on a relationship with God.